You know those times you’re in a moment and you just stand or sit breathlessly trying to understand what it is people want from you. You’re trying to understand what the person in front of you wants you to say. You fuss and you squirm and then you say something thinking you’ve got them figured out, then without any warning their face turns that scrunched way for that brief second and you tummy starts doing knots thinking about what they’ll say next. No? That’s just me cool.
I’ve been finding (more recently than not) that this is how I’m feeling whenever anyone speaks to me. Maybe it’s all the times people have heard an opinion from me and left me (and let’s not get started on the people leaving me). I find it so hard to deal sometimes. It’s making me go crazy some days. Just recently I broke down, saying I was emotional and than this wonderful person says ‘What’s wrong?’ and I reply with nothing. When there’s obviously something wrong I just don’t want to admit I’m a massive fuck up. Where did I ever become this. I can’t even deal with how I’ve fucked all of my life up sometimes. But then I turn and see all these amazing people next to me and I wonder if I am or if I’m just too kind to everyone around me to think that this is how everyone is being treated.
I’m very unsure if this even makes an inch of sense.