I understand grief is different for everyone. I really do. But you’d think people would tell you all of these things.
- You’ll never be ready to let go.
My dad had cancer, a pretty bad cancer. If I’m honest, it wasn’t long between diagnosis and death. I was obviously not ready and I was never going to be ready, because he’s my dad. But I know now, that no matter how long I had with my dad before his death I still wouldn’t be ready for him to leave.
- You’ll feel bad, but not on specific days.
It’s funny how people are like “it’s ok to feel bad/sad” but to know that it’ll just randomly come along is the hardest part. Especially in a job where you can’t get away, you can’t just walk away when things get tough. In a workplace where most of them have no relationship with their dad, they have no idea. It’s hard and you’ll just break down
- The littlest things will break you.
You’d think it’s those big moments, those special moments you had. But the things you’ll miss the most are the little things. The going and seeing them and just having a hug at the end of a very bad day. Talking about the stupidest thing and laughing at the little thing.
- You’ll feel empty.
This is the biggest thing. You feel empty, where do you go, what do you do? When you’re so close to someone how can you ever feel full again. You’ll have days where you just feel like shit.
As another one of my brilliant ideas leaves, I think I need to take a moment. Step back and remember that my health comes first. In this instance, it’s not my physical health, it’s my mental health.
This week has been hard. I mean everyday for the past 3 weeks has been hard. But this Saturday afternoon, I broke, I’m hurt and I don’t know where my head is at in the ‘grieving’ phase. I’m still hurt here on Tuesday night, very much hurt.
I’m not ready for my life without him, I’m not ready for thinking about my life without him and I know I have to.
I hate thinking that life without him is my life now, I’m not ok. Life’s not ok.
Here are some pictures that make me happy but sad obviously.
I’ve always been someone who is a big family person. When I was younger we’d always do things as a family. Not only as an intimidate family but also an extended family. Obviously as you get older those occasions lesson, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t any less part of who I am. These events still happen, they are just few and far between. But they always mean the world to me.
But with dads sickness it’s really shown what family means, not only to me, but to the rest of my extended family. The amount of phone class mum gets on a regular basis is insane, she’s overwhelmed but appreciates everyones thoughts and concerns. I’ve never heard so much from my dads side before. It just shows how much we all care and all enjoy the company of one another.
From just 6 weeks ago my perception of this Christmas has definitely changed. I’m in the Christmas spirit, I’m listening to Christmas music I’m making the most of Christmas. However, this years Christmas is one of the saddest/hardest I’ve had in over 10 years.
If you didn’t know my Grandmother passed away 10 years ago (read here for more) and that was the hardest Christmas I ever experienced, since she was one of the closet people I’d ever been too. However, this year it’s even harder. If you didn’t see my last post click here to read it and come back. As you can tell my dad is sick, not just sick, cancer sick. My plans for this Christmas have changed, Nice Guy and I planned for us to go to his family for Christmas this year (which would have been incredibly hard for me) but with dads sickness we have changed. I’m so grateful to Nice Guy due to his ability to quickly change his plans and put me somewhere at the top of his list.
This Christmas is going to be hard and sad. As dad is out of energy in a matter of minutes and not only that but it will be his second shot of Chemo, in his eight week process. Which means he’ll be losing his hair, he’ll feel like a car hit him pretty much all day and he just won’t enjoy it.
In the least I’m scared. I’m scared about what’s going to happen to my dad and whether this is the last Christmas for him. Usually my parents saying ‘this will be my last Christmas’ is hilarious and our whole family will laugh, but this time we’re not and I don’t know how to cope.
This past weekend my best friend got married. I was the Maid the Honour, so it was a pretty hectic week leading up to this day. The night before the big day the bride text me at 2:30am telling me she couldn’t sleep, which I immediately text back to and told her I wasn’t sleeping well either, so the both of us were our best that day (I was falling asleep on nice guy by about 7:30pm). But here are some pictures from the day/night, these are just some shitty iPhone quality just so you know.
If you follow me on instagram you’ve already seen this beauty with nice guy.
I hope you had a wonderful day yesterday, you make me the happiest at the worst of times. I hope you know how much you’ve done for me and how much I appreciate you everyday. I love you today and always
Let me start off by saying I never EVER in my life have ever called Facebook ‘Stalkbook’ nor will I start calling it now. But I understand the point and reason why people do, because let’s be honest, there’s like 5 types of people on Facebook;
- The over sharer
You know these people they might be your family, friends or even worse the best friend. But they share their entire lives to the world through their little Facebook page, telling us every little detail of their life and thinking that all 300 friends they added when they were 17 still care.
- The ‘Facebook chat’ user
(Not gonna lie, I’m this person) These people use Facebook solely for Facebook chat, why we’ll never know. But you all know one in the back of your head right now, that will never text back, but Facebook message them they freak out when they accidentally open your message and realise that little ‘seen 00:00’ is stamped.
- The ‘I only post when drunk’
I know we’ve all been there once or twice when you think of some witty statement drunk and think that at that moment in time it would be the perfect time to share with your family and friends. Let me shoot straight, it never is funny nor do your family and friends need to know, we all know you’re drunk, let it go.
- The photo sharer
All these people on my Facebook are my ‘older’ friends. Which if I’m honest am glad have not found instagram yet, but stop clogging my feed with crappy photos of your lunch, I really couldn’t care.
- The stalker
The one who ends up on your boyfriends, ex girlfriends, ex boyfriends, best friends girlfriends, ex boyfriends page without realising 2 hours has past and you don’t actually know these people.
Honestly, I’ve been all these people once in my life, but who out of all of you reading has never ending up on someone’s Facebook by just stalking the crap out of them? It’s crazy to think that this is what our world is coming to. Instead of face-to-face conversation (which I honestly hate but that’s another topic) we look at Facebook to find our information. If you’ve ever stalked somebody and thought ‘you need to post more’ (which I know you’ve all secretly done) have you ever thought who thinks that about you? Who looks at your wall, who gets to your page and thinks ‘do I know this person? Are we friends? I thought we went to school together? Wasn’t he/she with he/she?’? Isn’t it a scary thought knowing that everything you share anywhere (I know I say this on a site that anyone can see) can be seen by millions of people without you even knowing. That definitely scares me and it makes me wonder why people overshare on Facebook?
Honestly I’ve been there I did that but I was 16/17 at the time, I didn’t understand that I wasn’t the focus of everyones attention (no matter how badly that sounds). But now at 22 there’s people out there telling me their whole life story. Facebook was never intended to be your diary, it was a way of keeping in touch. I’ll tell you now the people who want to keep in touch or even just stalk don’t really care if Mary down the road fought with me today, I told her she needed time to calm down, I went inside and cried because of all the things I’m dealing with today. Just wish someone was there for me ): If you want to talk to someone there’s always ways and you always know who you can talk to because they are the ones who always comment the same stuff, talk to them, don’t tell the world.
As my parents told me and I always think If you don’t want it on the cover of the newspaper don’t post it.
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