Grieve

The thing about grieve is that you never know when it hits nor do you know what part of grieve you will receive. I’m having a hard time with this process because not only am I having to grieve someone who loved me so much, I’m now grieving for someone who didn’t love me at all. Which is hitting me in the self confidence the most.

I know I’ve been posting a lot about how sad I am and how awful my life is, but this is my life at the moment.

I’m finding it hard and I guess I’m finding it more difficult because of the situation and not being able to erase him from my memory. This is because he was there for such a critical moment in my life. Which is the worst thing I think could happen.

This year is hard. I also think it’s worse because I’m going through 2 things you never expect to go through in your life. Especially at the same time.

I’m going day by day but it’s also just hard when you go through the sad periods. For me, I don’t want the sad moments, for a certain person and I hate that I’m sad. But the worst thing is I know I’m still fully in love with him unfortunately. I guess it gets better each day, but it doesn’t feel like it.

I am also seeing someone about this, in case you think I’m just blowing off steam here all the time.

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Meditation

At the start of the year I was diagnosed with “situational” depression and anxiety (not situational). I’ve been currently seeing a physiologist thanks to all the things I’ve been going through this year. But I have also started meditating, mum got me onto this. She started using an app called calm in about April this year and she’d told me try it, as my anxiety around many situations had gotten worse. I started with that app but found that the lady who was telling the calm stories was too harsh and frustrating for me. It took me a few months to try again, as I was like I’m fine, but once I moved back to mums I knew I had to do something about both the depression and anxiety brewing in my head. I tried to others and found they just weren’t working for me (so now, because you have to sign up for everything, my inbox is blasted with emails I do not want) and finally came upon Headspace. 

This was part of my What’s on my iPhone last week. But I thought I would go into a bit of detail about this app as I have found it so helpful, especially with my anxiety. When you first get this app it comes with a 10 session basics pack which you don’t have to pay for. However, if you want to continue to use this app you will have to pay.

When you open the app you get this page – as you can see my last pack I used was the Depression pack (which is what it was last week, I’m currently using the anxiety pack). It’s helpful to have this at the very top as you know exactly where you left off and how many days of the pack you’ve done/have to go.

As you scroll down the home page this is what greets you. As you can see I have multiple packs. I’m currently doing 10 days of the Depression pack followed by 10 days of the Anxiety pack. I did start with doing one day Depression next day Anxiety but I thought it would be better to continue the packs individually but cross over at certain points. I’m hoping to begin some of my other ones in the next month or so.

If I’m honest I use this meditation just before I go to sleep. I press the play button lie down and listen to the meditation. You can choose how long you would like the meditation to go for. I’m currently meditating for 10 mins. At the beginning and end of each session the man (who’s voice is helping you meditate) gives you strategies to use throughout the day and how to enhance your meditation experience. I’ve found this helpful with being aware that you don’t have to stop your thinking throughout meditation, you just don’t let it distract you from your breathing.

What I’ve also enjoyed is that when they begin a new meditation strategy, they start with a very cute animation that gives you some sort of understanding of the strategy you’re going to start using. These really help me understand what is required during these sessions.

I also enjoy all of the different things it allows you to do with your meditation and how it helps you achieve meditating everyday. For me, I’ve found it easy to fit it into my routine, as I’ve decided I’m going to do it before bed. However, you need to find the best way for you. You also need to think, is this what I want to do and is this for me? Because I know when mum first began to push me  to give it a go, I wasn’t having a bar and didn’t believe it could help me.

I hope this helps in some way!

Jess x

 

*This is all my personal opinion.

4 things they don’t tell you

I understand grief is different for everyone. I really do. But you’d think people would tell you all of these things.

  1. You’ll never be ready to let go.
    My dad had cancer, a pretty bad cancer. If I’m honest, it wasn’t long between diagnosis and death. I was obviously not ready and I was never going to be ready, because he’s my dad. But I know now, that no matter how long I had with my dad before his death I still wouldn’t be ready for him to leave.
  2. You’ll feel bad, but not on specific days.
    It’s funny how people are like “it’s ok to feel bad/sad” but to know that it’ll just randomly come along is the hardest part. Especially in a job where you can’t get away, you can’t just walk away when things get tough. In a workplace where most of them have no relationship with their dad, they have no idea. It’s hard and you’ll just break down
  3. The littlest things will break you.
    You’d think it’s those big moments, those special moments you had. But the things you’ll miss the most are the little things. The going and seeing them and just having a hug at the end of a very bad day. Talking about the stupidest thing and laughing at the little thing.
  4. You’ll feel empty.
    This is the biggest thing. You feel empty, where do you go, what do you do? When you’re so close to someone how can you ever feel full again. You’ll have days where you just feel like shit.

 

Another one bites the dust;

As another one of my brilliant ideas leaves, I think I need to take a moment. Step back and remember that my health comes first. In this instance, it’s not my physical health, it’s my mental health.

This week has been hard. I mean everyday for the past 3 weeks has been hard. But this Saturday afternoon, I broke, I’m hurt and I don’t know where my head is at in the ‘grieving’ phase. I’m still hurt here on Tuesday night, very much hurt.

I’m not ready for my life without him, I’m not ready for thinking about my life without him and I know I have to.

I hate thinking that life without him is my life now, I’m not ok. Life’s not ok.

Here are some pictures that make me happy but sad obviously.

Family Day 7/365

I’ve always been someone who is a big family person. When I was younger we’d always do things as a family. Not only as an intimidate family but also an extended family. Obviously as you get older those occasions lesson, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t any less part of who I am. These events still happen, they are just few and far between. But they always mean the world to me.

But with dads sickness it’s really shown what family means, not only to me, but to the rest of my extended family. The amount of phone class mum gets on a regular basis is insane, she’s overwhelmed but appreciates everyones thoughts and concerns. I’ve never heard so much from my dads side before. It just shows how much we all care and all enjoy the company of one another.

Christmas 2016

From just 6 weeks ago my perception of this Christmas has definitely changed. I’m in the Christmas spirit, I’m listening to Christmas music I’m making the most of Christmas. However, this years Christmas is one of the saddest/hardest I’ve had in over 10 years.

If you didn’t know my Grandmother passed away 10 years ago (read here for more) and that was the hardest Christmas I ever experienced, since she was one of the closet people I’d ever been too. However, this year it’s even harder. If you didn’t see my last post click here to read it and come back. As you can tell my dad is sick, not just sick, cancer sick. My plans for this Christmas have changed, Nice Guy and I planned for us to go to his family for Christmas this year (which would have been incredibly hard for me) but with dads sickness we have changed. I’m so grateful to Nice Guy due to his ability to quickly change his plans and put me somewhere at the top of his list.

This Christmas is going to be hard and sad. As dad is out of energy in a matter of minutes and not only that but it will be his second shot of Chemo, in his eight week process. Which means he’ll be losing his hair, he’ll feel like a car hit him pretty much all day and he just won’t enjoy it.

In the least I’m scared. I’m scared about what’s going to happen to my dad and whether this is the last Christmas for him. Usually my parents saying ‘this will be my last Christmas’ is hilarious and our whole family will laugh, but this time we’re not and I don’t know how to cope.

Wedding Time

This past weekend my best friend got married. I was the Maid the Honour, so it was a pretty hectic week leading up to this day. The night before the big day the bride text me at 2:30am telling me she couldn’t sleep, which I immediately text back to and told her I wasn’t sleeping well either, so the both of us were our best that day (I was falling asleep on nice guy by about 7:30pm). But here are some pictures from the day/night, these are just some shitty iPhone quality just so you know.

 

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If you follow me on instagram you’ve already seen this beauty with nice guy.

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