Dullness

It’s been a while since I’ve seen what it’s like on the lighter side of depression. It’s been a while since I saw the light in my anxiety. I’ve had a year and I don’t think it’s going to get much better in the next year. But what I can say is I’m proud of the person I’m becoming.

I’m starting to see the light and feel happier about myself, especially after the situation recently. I’ve had a huge confidence hit and when you’re confidence is already low, there’s not much left.

I’m giving myself time and making myself take time. I have to realise myself that I’m still young and have time to live my life. I need to make a change in my life, where I start to take myself first, but in that I need to get my head straight.

Hopefully in the next year or two, with the help of friends and family I’ll start to feel a bit better. To know I’m seeing some light is nice though. I just hope it continues this way.

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Friendship

I like my friends. I understand that this is a weird way to start a blog. But I do.

Over the last year I have needed a lot of support from people and the friends I have, have been fabulous. I know that people would be like “yes, but that’s what friends are for” and I agree, but not all friends are going to support you the way mine have.

I’ve always known that my friends are good and kind and are always around when I need them. I’m the type of person who needs their friends but does not need to see or talk to them everyday (I guess that’s part of me being an introvert). But I know that if I need them, they’re there. As much as I bottle up my emotions, when I need to vent or have a cry or just want to distract myself, I know they’ll be there to listen to me. No matter how many times I’ve cried over it, no matter how many times I’ve bought it up.

I also know which friends are better for which mood I’m in. I’m not saying that my friends are bad in anyway, but I’m sure you know what it’s like. Some are better when you really want to have a whinge and make drama for yourself, some are better to tell and then take your mind off things and some are better just to feel better about yourself. Thankfully, I have people for all of those options. I’m also happy that I have friends that can be all those things when I need them to be.

This year I have been one of the worst friends out. I’m the friend that has been needed to have the support and friends and love and support.

All I want to say is how thankful I am to have the friends I do. Without them, this year would have been even harder than it already have been.

Grieve

The thing about grieve is that you never know when it hits nor do you know what part of grieve you will receive. I’m having a hard time with this process because not only am I having to grieve someone who loved me so much, I’m now grieving for someone who didn’t love me at all. Which is hitting me in the self confidence the most.

I know I’ve been posting a lot about how sad I am and how awful my life is, but this is my life at the moment.

I’m finding it hard and I guess I’m finding it more difficult because of the situation and not being able to erase him from my memory. This is because he was there for such a critical moment in my life. Which is the worst thing I think could happen.

This year is hard. I also think it’s worse because I’m going through 2 things you never expect to go through in your life. Especially at the same time.

I’m going day by day but it’s also just hard when you go through the sad periods. For me, I don’t want the sad moments, for a certain person and I hate that I’m sad. But the worst thing is I know I’m still fully in love with him unfortunately. I guess it gets better each day, but it doesn’t feel like it.

I am also seeing someone about this, in case you think I’m just blowing off steam here all the time.

Meditation

At the start of the year I was diagnosed with “situational” depression and anxiety (not situational). I’ve been currently seeing a physiologist thanks to all the things I’ve been going through this year. But I have also started meditating, mum got me onto this. She started using an app called calm in about April this year and she’d told me try it, as my anxiety around many situations had gotten worse. I started with that app but found that the lady who was telling the calm stories was too harsh and frustrating for me. It took me a few months to try again, as I was like I’m fine, but once I moved back to mums I knew I had to do something about both the depression and anxiety brewing in my head. I tried to others and found they just weren’t working for me (so now, because you have to sign up for everything, my inbox is blasted with emails I do not want) and finally came upon Headspace. 

This was part of my What’s on my iPhone last week. But I thought I would go into a bit of detail about this app as I have found it so helpful, especially with my anxiety. When you first get this app it comes with a 10 session basics pack which you don’t have to pay for. However, if you want to continue to use this app you will have to pay.

When you open the app you get this page – as you can see my last pack I used was the Depression pack (which is what it was last week, I’m currently using the anxiety pack). It’s helpful to have this at the very top as you know exactly where you left off and how many days of the pack you’ve done/have to go.

As you scroll down the home page this is what greets you. As you can see I have multiple packs. I’m currently doing 10 days of the Depression pack followed by 10 days of the Anxiety pack. I did start with doing one day Depression next day Anxiety but I thought it would be better to continue the packs individually but cross over at certain points. I’m hoping to begin some of my other ones in the next month or so.

If I’m honest I use this meditation just before I go to sleep. I press the play button lie down and listen to the meditation. You can choose how long you would like the meditation to go for. I’m currently meditating for 10 mins. At the beginning and end of each session the man (who’s voice is helping you meditate) gives you strategies to use throughout the day and how to enhance your meditation experience. I’ve found this helpful with being aware that you don’t have to stop your thinking throughout meditation, you just don’t let it distract you from your breathing.

What I’ve also enjoyed is that when they begin a new meditation strategy, they start with a very cute animation that gives you some sort of understanding of the strategy you’re going to start using. These really help me understand what is required during these sessions.

I also enjoy all of the different things it allows you to do with your meditation and how it helps you achieve meditating everyday. For me, I’ve found it easy to fit it into my routine, as I’ve decided I’m going to do it before bed. However, you need to find the best way for you. You also need to think, is this what I want to do and is this for me? Because I know when mum first began to push me  to give it a go, I wasn’t having a bar and didn’t believe it could help me.

I hope this helps in some way!

Jess x

 

*This is all my personal opinion.

What’s on my iPhone 8+ – 2017

I just got the new iPhone 8+ and I am a very nosey person and know that many people are nosey, so I thought I’d share with you what’s on my iPhone.

I got the new gold colour and it’s beautiful.

My lock screen is a picture of my mum and I at The Book of Mormon, that we went to see just the other night. It was a wonderful show and I really enjoy this photo of my mother and I.

My home screen is a picture of my dad and I only a few months before he passed away. As you can tell there was another person in the photo, but she wasn’t very happy and I love the way that my dad is looking at me in this photo. I’m also pretty sure it was the last photo of the two of us taken.

As you can see my tab is messages, Facebook, instagram and music. Three out of the four are the most used apps on my phone. At the top I have phone which I hardly ever use but have it out so I can find it – when I want to call someone it’s usually someone who I’ve recently messaged. This is because I HATE calling people I don’t know.
Next is calendar, which I never use but keep there so I can quickly find the date if I ever unlock my phone too fast. Then I have photos and camera, which I use sometimes. Hoping to begin using the camera more.

In the next line I have clock, which I use mostly in the morning to wake me up. Next to that is maps for when I have 0 idea of where I’m going. Next to that is my settings, I hardly ever use this but when I do I need it somewhere I can see it or else I completely forget where the hell it is. Lastly is calculator, I’ve just moved this which is going to be interesting when I go to use this. The reason I moved it is because I use it often in my work.

Next is my apple folder

These are many of the apps that came with the phone that I never use. You all know that apps that come with the iPhone so I won’t bore you with them all.

Then I have my phone folder which is just more iPhone apps that were on the phone to begin with.

Then I move to a new screen. I hate having so many apps over my background.

On the second page I have four folders across the top.

The first folder is my games folder.

On the first page of this folder I have Flappy Bird – the only reason I still have this is because it’s been deleted and I can’t even play it anymore on the new update. 2048 which I hardly ever use anymore but am keeping just in case. Doge2048 which is the same as 2048. CandyCrush Jelly I kept this just in case I want to continue playing this although I have deleted the original CandyCrush. Solitare and Spider, I’ve kept these in case I’m ever on a flight and want it. Dots, this is an interesting game and sometimes I like to open this to play to keep my mind occupied. Pharaoh’s Fire and Slots – P. Way are my slots games which I mainly use to get bonuses and play even though I hate playing slots in real life.

On the second page to start is Cody Cross, I actually really enjoy this game but have backed away because I don’t have enough time to just sit and read the questions. Cody Cross is like a cross word puzzle with different levels. Mario Run – I really should delete this because I don’t play this as you have to pay. I’m very much a if you have to pay I do not want. Word Cookies is a good word game and helps my brain work some days. Gardenscapes is very much like CandyCrush although I play this often and enjoy this because you can build things after a certain amount of levels. Match Land is a fun game where you have to match different colours and then the people kill the animals to eat. Word Connect is very much the same as Word Cookies. WordBrain is a matching in a 9 square grid which I get stuck on very often because my brain stops working when I get home. Lastly Homescapes, this is obviously a newer version of Gardenscapes and I enjoy it a little more as there are better ways to get the power ups.

Next is my social folder.

First is youtube, I use the app to watch videos while I’m in the bath or shower more than anything, I pop it up close and listen and I use it to watch people I’m not subscribed to on my youtube as I like them just don’t want to watch all their content. Next is the Westpac app which is my bank. Then I have the Event Cinemas app which is the cinemas closest to me. Snapchat is in this folder as well as I use this most days but I usually just use it through the notifications. Tumblr, which I actually have to delete because I’ve forgotten my password to my account and to my hotmail account attached to it. Domino’s, yeah that needs no explanation. TV and Movies is a tv guide for my area. WordPress which I haven’t used very much on my phone but there have been a few updates since I last used it which I’m keen on using more, now that I want to blog more. Lastly is Bitmoji and the only real reason I have this is for my Snapchat, not sorry about it.

The next folder is my photos folder, this is used for when I edit and upload onto my Instagram.

If you would like to know how I edit my photos for Instagram let me know in the comments below.

In this folder I have VSCO which I’ve just upgraded to VSCOX which I’m excited to use more of. I then have Squaready which is what I keep even though I know you can now upload pictures not in a square but I enjoy the square and think it makes it look clean and tidy. Then I have Pic Collage if I ever need to create a collage of pictures.

Next is my KISS folder.

This just has one app in it as I have deleted many of the others and I’m keeping the folder just in case I ever need to put more apps in here. The app in this folder is Clue, which I use to track my cycle.

Under my folders I have My Optus, which is the app for my phone plan, and helps me pay my bills etc. Next I have Messenger, this isn’t in a folder because I hate that it needs to be there but I need it close for when I use it, mainly for one of my closest friends. Then I have Spotify, which I should change for music but I KNOW I would get confused if I ever moved any of them. Lastly, I have Headspace, to find out about Headspace come back next week as I’m doing a full Meditation post.

That’s all that’s on my iPhone 8+ it doesn’t seem like much but it’s enough for me.

See you next week,

Jess xx

4 things they don’t tell you

I understand grief is different for everyone. I really do. But you’d think people would tell you all of these things.

  1. You’ll never be ready to let go.
    My dad had cancer, a pretty bad cancer. If I’m honest, it wasn’t long between diagnosis and death. I was obviously not ready and I was never going to be ready, because he’s my dad. But I know now, that no matter how long I had with my dad before his death I still wouldn’t be ready for him to leave.
  2. You’ll feel bad, but not on specific days.
    It’s funny how people are like “it’s ok to feel bad/sad” but to know that it’ll just randomly come along is the hardest part. Especially in a job where you can’t get away, you can’t just walk away when things get tough. In a workplace where most of them have no relationship with their dad, they have no idea. It’s hard and you’ll just break down
  3. The littlest things will break you.
    You’d think it’s those big moments, those special moments you had. But the things you’ll miss the most are the little things. The going and seeing them and just having a hug at the end of a very bad day. Talking about the stupidest thing and laughing at the little thing.
  4. You’ll feel empty.
    This is the biggest thing. You feel empty, where do you go, what do you do? When you’re so close to someone how can you ever feel full again. You’ll have days where you just feel like shit.

 

Another one bites the dust;

As another one of my brilliant ideas leaves, I think I need to take a moment. Step back and remember that my health comes first. In this instance, it’s not my physical health, it’s my mental health.

This week has been hard. I mean everyday for the past 3 weeks has been hard. But this Saturday afternoon, I broke, I’m hurt and I don’t know where my head is at in the ‘grieving’ phase. I’m still hurt here on Tuesday night, very much hurt.

I’m not ready for my life without him, I’m not ready for thinking about my life without him and I know I have to.

I hate thinking that life without him is my life now, I’m not ok. Life’s not ok.

Here are some pictures that make me happy but sad obviously.