Theres nothing left. Nothing worth fighting for. I’m not worth fighting for.
Why hello there internet, I’ve hit that “offline” button for a while if I’m honest.
There hasn’t been much thats happened around my life since the last post. It’s just been me and my family trying to figure our lives out without such a major part. We’ve had a new baby arrive and it’s lovely.
We’re trying to get back into routine, for me it’s hard.
Why do I let past experiences control new experiences.
You know when people ask the question ‘do you know someone who is affected by cancer?’ and you think to yourself I know distant relatives/other peoples family. You don’t ever think about yourself or your family close to you ever getting it. Just me cool.
Well currently my world is crushing around me thinking of my dad in hospital know he has cancer and there’s no way for him to get rid of it other than chemotherapy. I don’t have words to even explain. You never expect this to happen. I’m just numb,
You know those times you’re in a moment and you just stand or sit breathlessly trying to understand what it is people want from you. You’re trying to understand what the person in front of you wants you to say. You fuss and you squirm and then you say something thinking you’ve got them figured out, then without any warning their face turns that scrunched way for that brief second and you tummy starts doing knots thinking about what they’ll say next. No? That’s just me cool.
I’ve been finding (more recently than not) that this is how I’m feeling whenever anyone speaks to me. Maybe it’s all the times people have heard an opinion from me and left me (and let’s not get started on the people leaving me). I find it so hard to deal sometimes. It’s making me go crazy some days. Just recently I broke down, saying I was emotional and than this wonderful person says ‘What’s wrong?’ and I reply with nothing. When there’s obviously something wrong I just don’t want to admit I’m a massive fuck up. Where did I ever become this. I can’t even deal with how I’ve fucked all of my life up sometimes. But then I turn and see all these amazing people next to me and I wonder if I am or if I’m just too kind to everyone around me to think that this is how everyone is being treated.
I’m very unsure if this even makes an inch of sense.
It’s funny that just like 2 minutes ago I was ok with writing this post. Then, as I come to write I’m shaking, my breathing gets hard and my mind switches off. I want to clarify now, I have never been diagnosed with anxiety, nor do I think I need people to feel sorry or am I comparing myself to anyone else.
Over the years there’s been many things that have led me to ‘sore stomachs’, the shakes, being too nervous to do something or even turning up for things 20 minutes early so I’m not late. Now as I’m older there’s the reality that I’m not just some crazy weirdo there’s actually an explanation for all this. Which now, just makes me feel a bit shitty to be honest. Like it stops me from doing things. I often lie to my parents about making phone calls (to GET jobs) because my anxiety has me riddled with fear that I can’t make or pick up the damn phone.
I also hate that it makes me feel sick half the time. I’ve been dealing with these sore stomachs my whole life and when I was little, we went to see doctors and whatever but obviously no one then knew what this actually meant. During this time I’ve learnt to cope with this situation but it still makes all new or different situations so confusing and awful. It makes me scared because in 2 weekends it is my best friends 21st and like I know people, won’t say I know many, but I know them but I still feel so sick about it and it’s in 2 weeks time. Don’t get me started on how I will be on the day/night of the party because my parents won’t even be here either. Like I will be freaking out and she’s my best friend.
So many things set me off and it makes things hard for life. It’s not even just a little bit, it’s a lot of my life which is the hardest thing.
I guess I’m just saying don’t always judge someone who thinks things are hard because you never know what could happen or what’s going through their head.