Maybe one day I’ll find someone who loves me for me and still continue to love me no matter what happens in my life. But also, will he ever come back for me?
I’ve never actually understood this saying, before now. Like I understand that shit happens. Shit happens all the fucking time. Look at my past year. But I’m getting to know that when it rains it pours. Over the past month, my anxiety has been heightened quiet a bit, due to figuring out life without dad and not having Nice Guy as much (it actually hurts to write him as Nice Guy right now and I guess you’ll find out why). Then stuff with Nice Guy and I happened and its hurt.
I feel like the world is throwing me under the bus without letting me breathe. Mum has said to me over and over “you’ve been here before it’ll be ok” but I don’t feel like it will be. I and my head and heart are all over the place and what’s there to do when nothing seems to be going your way.
Theres nothing left. Nothing worth fighting for. I’m not worth fighting for.
Why hello there internet, I’ve hit that “offline” button for a while if I’m honest.
There hasn’t been much thats happened around my life since the last post. It’s just been me and my family trying to figure our lives out without such a major part. We’ve had a new baby arrive and it’s lovely.
We’re trying to get back into routine, for me it’s hard.
I understand grief is different for everyone. I really do. But you’d think people would tell you all of these things.
- You’ll never be ready to let go.
My dad had cancer, a pretty bad cancer. If I’m honest, it wasn’t long between diagnosis and death. I was obviously not ready and I was never going to be ready, because he’s my dad. But I know now, that no matter how long I had with my dad before his death I still wouldn’t be ready for him to leave.
- You’ll feel bad, but not on specific days.
It’s funny how people are like “it’s ok to feel bad/sad” but to know that it’ll just randomly come along is the hardest part. Especially in a job where you can’t get away, you can’t just walk away when things get tough. In a workplace where most of them have no relationship with their dad, they have no idea. It’s hard and you’ll just break down
- The littlest things will break you.
You’d think it’s those big moments, those special moments you had. But the things you’ll miss the most are the little things. The going and seeing them and just having a hug at the end of a very bad day. Talking about the stupidest thing and laughing at the little thing.
- You’ll feel empty.
This is the biggest thing. You feel empty, where do you go, what do you do? When you’re so close to someone how can you ever feel full again. You’ll have days where you just feel like shit.
As another one of my brilliant ideas leaves, I think I need to take a moment. Step back and remember that my health comes first. In this instance, it’s not my physical health, it’s my mental health.
This week has been hard. I mean everyday for the past 3 weeks has been hard. But this Saturday afternoon, I broke, I’m hurt and I don’t know where my head is at in the ‘grieving’ phase. I’m still hurt here on Tuesday night, very much hurt.
I’m not ready for my life without him, I’m not ready for thinking about my life without him and I know I have to.
I hate thinking that life without him is my life now, I’m not ok. Life’s not ok.
Here are some pictures that make me happy but sad obviously.