The Feeling of Coming Home Day 4/365

I find that days were Nice Guy is ‘home’ I find coming home at 3/4 a nice feeling. On days that Nice Guy isn’t here, I feel like home isn’t home and home is still at mum and dads. Some days I feel weird mentioning that but my house doesn’t feel  like home without someone around. Maybe it’s that I get more done when Nice Guy is here, I get to spend time talking to him in the morning and talk about my day. I spend A LOT more time offline with him here.

My heart is full when he’s here. My anxiety settles and my thoughts settle too. Nice Guy definitely is my settler. Thats what makes me coming home on days he’s ‘home’ easier and it feels like my home. He’s my calm. All of his annoyingness, all of his frustrations, all of his weirdness, he’s my calm.

I don’t think I’ve ever felt the homing feeling with anyone before. Maybe that’s why my anxiety heightened when I found out the information on Monday (it involved him and he wasn’t here). I also have never admitted that to myself and I think it’s something I needed to do.

Resilience Day 3/365

There’s this stigma around children and resilience, that because they’re little they have no idea with the thought of resilience. Today I watched as one of my students, said goodbye to her mother (she’s leaving to go to hospital). Her tears in everything she did and said in that 15 mins were valid, but as soon as her 15 mins were over she came back. I told her to take time because I know it’s hard and she went straight back into work, wiped her eyes and that was it.

Yes, they may have days were they throw tantrums because they didn’t get the colour they want. But they have dealt with a lot of other things too and can deal with them without a worry.

Tuesday Day 2/365

A day where I can keep anxiety at bay is always a good day. I feel like days where I’m aware and the routine is the same I’m ok. Whereas, if a routine is changed or a visitor comes, my day is always off, probably because of my anxiety towards meeting people. But today, it was a good day. My day started as a normal Tuesday would with Digital Technologies building robots with the upper class. They all did so well with the limited use of technology due to the school internet and our iPads playing up, although I think they were mostly just glad they got to build the robots rather than just program a 2D character. My other Uppers though I can’t say did so well. You set them a task and they think it’s a free for all. I am so glad there is another set of hands and a head in that room or else I would be driven mental. My love for my TA is ridiculous and I don’t think she knows just how much I think she’s awesome.

I still need to learn to go places myself. I went to mum and dads (as usual) and mum fixed up my AWFUL finger nails, but somehow I’ve scrapped them somewhere. So now they just look horrible again.

Tomorrow is a new day and we’ll just have to wait and see what happens.

Dear Diary… Day 1 of 365

Dear Diary,

Here we go a project I’ll never keep (but wish to). I’m going to start writing. Whether it’s good or bad or otherwise. I’m going to write. I find enjoyment in writing and I find enjoyment in just getting my emotions out. Let’s see if I can do this for 365 days.

Today started ordinary, waking up and doing the regular morning routine before I rushed out the door. Then it hit me like a train. My emotions began to increase, I was on edge. I could hear everything around me but I could also hear nothing. I knew what was going to begin. I focused on words on my computer and took long breaths but still everything began to crumble. Until I heard that starting bell. For some reason knowing I have to stand up in front of children makes my anxiety lesson, maybe a better way is to say it makes it bearable. All day, even now, I knew I was on edge. I was overthinking a situation as usual making up things that didn’t need to be made up. However, as my mind wanders my anxiety heightens. Which also makes everything else around me worse. Today, my teaching sucked, my class sucked, my behaviour management was terrible and I don’t want to step back in there tomorrow.

As much as I want to turn my mind off so I can go to sleep, I know I will toss and turn for at least another hour. I know all the thoughts that will go through my head and I know all of the answers I’ll give myself, but guess which ones will win?

One foot in front of the other, you’re almost there.

This shouldn’t happen to him…

 

Yesterday, I got bad news. Dads chemo isn’t working. His cancer has grown. (It was a bad idea to listen to Supermarket Flowers, while trying to write this because I’m just a mess of tears).

My dads a good guy and maybe I feel like this because he’s my dad. But I’ve never heard a bad word spoken about my dad, everyone who ever speaks to me about my dad, speak so highly of him.

I guess my question and my thoughts are, why do bad things happen to good people? I can’t even talk about it.
It’s a shit situation and I know others are in it, but like fuck this is my dad.

A letter I’ll never send

I saw this in a few places and I thought, I’ve always thought I needed to write to someone. It’s been 2 years today and I’m ready to say things I never said to them when it happened. I wrote a letter, but now 2 years on, I don’t feel the same way I did then and I need to say these things. I know some of you may find this weird as it’s to an ex but that took up a majority of my life and these words need to be said.

 

To you,

It’s been 2 years. To think this time 2 years ago I sat in my bedroom crying for you to not leave me, for you to be my forever. If I’m honest, I was stupid. Stupid to think that I wanted you. Stupid to think I needed you. Stupid to think you actually cared so much about me. I sat in my bedroom 2 years ago thinking about what the fuck it meant to be me without you and now 2 years later, you know what, I’m so much better without you. When you first left I’d hang on all your words, I’d wait for you to message me, I’d message you the pettiest shit thinking he needs me and wants me he just won’t admit it. But you’re the one who moved away from me. You’re the one who stood on my front lawn while I was yelling and still walked away. You’re the one who came and hugged me when I broke, I literally broke in front of you, saying how much I needed you and you STILL walked away from me.

Sitting here now, 2 years on I cannot believe what a stupid child I was. But we both were children when we met. I was 15 turning 16 and you took me along for a ride. Looking back, you’d say things to me to just put me down. I can remember all of them clearly. I know I shouldn’t rehash your stupid shit but let’s do.

You’d moved here, I’m thankful for that but what did you do, not only a month after. My brother went on one of his binges, as he does (which is a problem, we KNEW he had one, we just couldn’t figure out what to do for him, you knew this), he dyed his hair blue, shaved his eyebrows off and I don’t remember now. But you know what you did, YOU put a Facebook status of how stupid he was. I cried, I remember clearly, I saw it, laughed, it hit home what you did, walked out of your room, sat on your couch and cried. You looked me in the eye and said ‘What’s wrong?’ I told you clearly what had upset me. Your response ‘None of your family have me on there.’ WHAT THE FUCK. That was legit the worst response and I fucking stayed with you after that.

You want another brilliant one from you! We were shopping, we went into Kmart, I found a cute crop top. I said how I thought it was cute, asked you what you thought (not for a I need my boyfriends opinion it was just what I did), and you know what you replied with, do you remember? No, ok let me tell you, ‘not when you’re like this’. I walked away, I drove that day because SURPRISE you’d lost your licence and I walked as fast as I could away because I was breaking down. You apologised as you did and I took it, in all of this I took all your apologises.

I have a lot of good memories, but I wanted to get those off my chest. I’m not going to sit and say how great my life would be with you because it wouldn’t be.

I will say I was shitty sometimes and I’ll take that, because I was literally a baby (I still am, but at least I’ve grown).

Here’s to what I want to get to first, I’m sorry, I’m sorry for not being there for you when your dad was diagnosed with Cancer, I know what it’s like now. I should have been there but I didn’t know what to do and you wouldn’t tell me what you needed. I’m sorry for being emotional a lot but you’d put me that way, let’s be honest.

Now 2 years on, I’ve been in a relationship, for a while, it happened in September that hurt but I moved on. I see you have too, I hope she gives you everything you want. But I’m not here for you I’m here for me.

I want to tell you how much better Nice Guy is to me. He went to Bali last year and you want to know something, he contacted me EVERY SINGLE DAY. HE WENT TO BALI. You went to Sydney for 2 weeks and couldn’t bother to text me. HE WAS OVERSEAS and he still had the decency to message me everyday to see if I was ok. To stay in contact.

His parents have never once said a terrible thing to me or made me feel out of place at their home. I don’t know what I ever did to your parents to make them hate me so much but I’m so glad they love your new girlfriend.

The best part about Nice Guy, the very best thing that you never ever did. He doesn’t ask me for sex every time we talk or see each other. He literally is 2 and a half hours away from me, we see each other 5 days in a 10 day week and he has never once made me feel like I need to give him anything, which makes it so much easier to give it to him (just fyi which is what I told you very clearly at one stage). I once broke down in tears at his house (drunk) and said I couldn’t have sex with him, the next morning he told me I was so embarrassed that I EVEN said that and his words to me were ‘I don’t want you for that, I’m happy just having you here’, you never once told me that. NOT ONCE. I know your response for this ‘if I wanted you just for that I would have left long ago’ yeah that might be true, but you still pushed the point every time  I saw you.

You conditioned me.
That hurt when I figured it out.
You conditioned me.
Let that sink in.

I don’t miss you like I thought I would. I don’t love you anymore. Thanks for letting me down time and time again and letting me. Thanks for making me feel like a big piece of shit.

 

Peace,
Me.