I understand grief is different for everyone. I really do. But you’d think people would tell you all of these things.
- You’ll never be ready to let go.
My dad had cancer, a pretty bad cancer. If I’m honest, it wasn’t long between diagnosis and death. I was obviously not ready and I was never going to be ready, because he’s my dad. But I know now, that no matter how long I had with my dad before his death I still wouldn’t be ready for him to leave.
- You’ll feel bad, but not on specific days.
It’s funny how people are like “it’s ok to feel bad/sad” but to know that it’ll just randomly come along is the hardest part. Especially in a job where you can’t get away, you can’t just walk away when things get tough. In a workplace where most of them have no relationship with their dad, they have no idea. It’s hard and you’ll just break down
- The littlest things will break you.
You’d think it’s those big moments, those special moments you had. But the things you’ll miss the most are the little things. The going and seeing them and just having a hug at the end of a very bad day. Talking about the stupidest thing and laughing at the little thing.
- You’ll feel empty.
This is the biggest thing. You feel empty, where do you go, what do you do? When you’re so close to someone how can you ever feel full again. You’ll have days where you just feel like shit.
I’ve always been someone who is a big family person. When I was younger we’d always do things as a family. Not only as an intimidate family but also an extended family. Obviously as you get older those occasions lesson, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t any less part of who I am. These events still happen, they are just few and far between. But they always mean the world to me.
But with dads sickness it’s really shown what family means, not only to me, but to the rest of my extended family. The amount of phone class mum gets on a regular basis is insane, she’s overwhelmed but appreciates everyones thoughts and concerns. I’ve never heard so much from my dads side before. It just shows how much we all care and all enjoy the company of one another.
From just 6 weeks ago my perception of this Christmas has definitely changed. I’m in the Christmas spirit, I’m listening to Christmas music I’m making the most of Christmas. However, this years Christmas is one of the saddest/hardest I’ve had in over 10 years.
If you didn’t know my Grandmother passed away 10 years ago (read here for more) and that was the hardest Christmas I ever experienced, since she was one of the closet people I’d ever been too. However, this year it’s even harder. If you didn’t see my last post click here to read it and come back. As you can tell my dad is sick, not just sick, cancer sick. My plans for this Christmas have changed, Nice Guy and I planned for us to go to his family for Christmas this year (which would have been incredibly hard for me) but with dads sickness we have changed. I’m so grateful to Nice Guy due to his ability to quickly change his plans and put me somewhere at the top of his list.
This Christmas is going to be hard and sad. As dad is out of energy in a matter of minutes and not only that but it will be his second shot of Chemo, in his eight week process. Which means he’ll be losing his hair, he’ll feel like a car hit him pretty much all day and he just won’t enjoy it.
In the least I’m scared. I’m scared about what’s going to happen to my dad and whether this is the last Christmas for him. Usually my parents saying ‘this will be my last Christmas’ is hilarious and our whole family will laugh, but this time we’re not and I don’t know how to cope.