I’ve always been someone who is a big family person. When I was younger we’d always do things as a family. Not only as an intimidate family but also an extended family. Obviously as you get older those occasions lesson, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t any less part of who I am. These events still happen, they are just few and far between. But they always mean the world to me.
But with dads sickness it’s really shown what family means, not only to me, but to the rest of my extended family. The amount of phone class mum gets on a regular basis is insane, she’s overwhelmed but appreciates everyones thoughts and concerns. I’ve never heard so much from my dads side before. It just shows how much we all care and all enjoy the company of one another.
In my time I’ve had a very limited amount of friends. At each stage of my life I could count the amount of friends I’ve had on one hand. I’m not complaining about that. I have always said (thanks to my mother) quality over quantity. The only downside of this is at the moment the 3 people who I’m closet too are not anywhere near me.
At the beginning of the year my best friend moved. She’s been home a lot but with conflicting schedules I haven’t been able to see her and let’s be honest, with the amount of stress and hurt I’ve had this year it’s been tough.
But today I got to spend the day with her. It was nice and I’d love to do it more often than we do.
It’s been a blurry day. My dads in hospital, it’s not looking good. I said goodbye to Nice Guy for 7 days. I had an appointment. Dad had its of fluid come out of him.
I’ve sheltered myself. I’ve shut myself down. I’ve let it all get too much.
I’m working on this. This is a thing I need to work on.
I find that days were Nice Guy is ‘home’ I find coming home at 3/4 a nice feeling. On days that Nice Guy isn’t here, I feel like home isn’t home and home is still at mum and dads. Some days I feel weird mentioning that but my house doesn’t feel like home without someone around. Maybe it’s that I get more done when Nice Guy is here, I get to spend time talking to him in the morning and talk about my day. I spend A LOT more time offline with him here.
My heart is full when he’s here. My anxiety settles and my thoughts settle too. Nice Guy definitely is my settler. Thats what makes me coming home on days he’s ‘home’ easier and it feels like my home. He’s my calm. All of his annoyingness, all of his frustrations, all of his weirdness, he’s my calm.
I don’t think I’ve ever felt the homing feeling with anyone before. Maybe that’s why my anxiety heightened when I found out the information on Monday (it involved him and he wasn’t here). I also have never admitted that to myself and I think it’s something I needed to do.
There’s this stigma around children and resilience, that because they’re little they have no idea with the thought of resilience. Today I watched as one of my students, said goodbye to her mother (she’s leaving to go to hospital). Her tears in everything she did and said in that 15 mins were valid, but as soon as her 15 mins were over she came back. I told her to take time because I know it’s hard and she went straight back into work, wiped her eyes and that was it.
Yes, they may have days were they throw tantrums because they didn’t get the colour they want. But they have dealt with a lot of other things too and can deal with them without a worry.