Grieve

The thing about grieve is that you never know when it hits nor do you know what part of grieve you will receive. I’m having a hard time with this process because not only am I having to grieve someone who loved me so much, I’m now grieving for someone who didn’t love me at all. Which is hitting me in the self confidence the most.

I know I’ve been posting a lot about how sad I am and how awful my life is, but this is my life at the moment.

I’m finding it hard and I guess I’m finding it more difficult because of the situation and not being able to erase him from my memory. This is because he was there for such a critical moment in my life. Which is the worst thing I think could happen.

This year is hard. I also think it’s worse because I’m going through 2 things you never expect to go through in your life. Especially at the same time.

I’m going day by day but it’s also just hard when you go through the sad periods. For me, I don’t want the sad moments, for a certain person and I hate that I’m sad. But the worst thing is I know I’m still fully in love with him unfortunately. I guess it gets better each day, but it doesn’t feel like it.

I am also seeing someone about this, in case you think I’m just blowing off steam here all the time.

Advertisements

Meditation

At the start of the year I was diagnosed with “situational” depression and anxiety (not situational). I’ve been currently seeing a physiologist thanks to all the things I’ve been going through this year. But I have also started meditating, mum got me onto this. She started using an app called calm in about April this year and she’d told me try it, as my anxiety around many situations had gotten worse. I started with that app but found that the lady who was telling the calm stories was too harsh and frustrating for me. It took me a few months to try again, as I was like I’m fine, but once I moved back to mums I knew I had to do something about both the depression and anxiety brewing in my head. I tried to others and found they just weren’t working for me (so now, because you have to sign up for everything, my inbox is blasted with emails I do not want) and finally came upon Headspace. 

This was part of my What’s on my iPhone last week. But I thought I would go into a bit of detail about this app as I have found it so helpful, especially with my anxiety. When you first get this app it comes with a 10 session basics pack which you don’t have to pay for. However, if you want to continue to use this app you will have to pay.

When you open the app you get this page – as you can see my last pack I used was the Depression pack (which is what it was last week, I’m currently using the anxiety pack). It’s helpful to have this at the very top as you know exactly where you left off and how many days of the pack you’ve done/have to go.

As you scroll down the home page this is what greets you. As you can see I have multiple packs. I’m currently doing 10 days of the Depression pack followed by 10 days of the Anxiety pack. I did start with doing one day Depression next day Anxiety but I thought it would be better to continue the packs individually but cross over at certain points. I’m hoping to begin some of my other ones in the next month or so.

If I’m honest I use this meditation just before I go to sleep. I press the play button lie down and listen to the meditation. You can choose how long you would like the meditation to go for. I’m currently meditating for 10 mins. At the beginning and end of each session the man (who’s voice is helping you meditate) gives you strategies to use throughout the day and how to enhance your meditation experience. I’ve found this helpful with being aware that you don’t have to stop your thinking throughout meditation, you just don’t let it distract you from your breathing.

What I’ve also enjoyed is that when they begin a new meditation strategy, they start with a very cute animation that gives you some sort of understanding of the strategy you’re going to start using. These really help me understand what is required during these sessions.

I also enjoy all of the different things it allows you to do with your meditation and how it helps you achieve meditating everyday. For me, I’ve found it easy to fit it into my routine, as I’ve decided I’m going to do it before bed. However, you need to find the best way for you. You also need to think, is this what I want to do and is this for me? Because I know when mum first began to push me  to give it a go, I wasn’t having a bar and didn’t believe it could help me.

I hope this helps in some way!

Jess x

 

*This is all my personal opinion.

Family Day 7/365

I’ve always been someone who is a big family person. When I was younger we’d always do things as a family. Not only as an intimidate family but also an extended family. Obviously as you get older those occasions lesson, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t any less part of who I am. These events still happen, they are just few and far between. But they always mean the world to me.

But with dads sickness it’s really shown what family means, not only to me, but to the rest of my extended family. The amount of phone class mum gets on a regular basis is insane, she’s overwhelmed but appreciates everyones thoughts and concerns. I’ve never heard so much from my dads side before. It just shows how much we all care and all enjoy the company of one another.

Wedding Time

This past weekend my best friend got married. I was the Maid the Honour, so it was a pretty hectic week leading up to this day. The night before the big day the bride text me at 2:30am telling me she couldn’t sleep, which I immediately text back to and told her I wasn’t sleeping well either, so the both of us were our best that day (I was falling asleep on nice guy by about 7:30pm). But here are some pictures from the day/night, these are just some shitty iPhone quality just so you know.

 

IMG_4316

IMG_4341

img_43201

IMG_4342

IMG_4322

 

Processed with VSCO with m5 preset

If you follow me on instagram you’ve already seen this beauty with nice guy.

img_43351

Processed with VSCO with t1 preset

 

Processed with VSCO with t1 preset

Stalkbook

Let me start off by saying I never EVER in my life have ever called Facebook ‘Stalkbook’ nor will I start calling it now. But I understand the point and reason why people do, because let’s be honest, there’s like 5 types of people on Facebook;

  1. The over sharer 
    You know these people they might be your family, friends or even worse the best friend. But they share their entire lives to the world through their little Facebook page, telling us every little detail of their life and thinking that all 300 friends they added when they were 17 still care.
  2. The ‘Facebook chat’ user
    (Not gonna lie, I’m this person) These people use Facebook solely for Facebook chat, why we’ll never know. But you all know one in the back of your head right now, that will never text back, but Facebook message them they freak out when they accidentally open your message and realise that little ‘seen 00:00’ is stamped.
  3. The ‘I only post when drunk’
    I know we’ve all been there once or twice when you think of some witty statement drunk and think that at that moment in time it would be the perfect time to share with your family and friends. Let me shoot straight, it never is funny nor do your family and friends need to know, we all know you’re drunk, let it go.
  4. The photo sharer
    All these people on my Facebook are my ‘older’ friends. Which if I’m honest am glad have not found instagram yet, but stop clogging my feed with crappy photos of your lunch, I really couldn’t care.
  5. The stalker
    The one who ends up on your boyfriends, ex girlfriends, ex boyfriends, best friends girlfriends, ex boyfriends page without realising 2 hours has past and you don’t actually know these people.

Honestly, I’ve been all these people once in my life, but who out of all of you reading has never ending up on someone’s Facebook by just stalking the crap out of them? It’s crazy to think that this is what our world is coming to. Instead of face-to-face conversation (which I honestly hate but that’s another topic) we look at Facebook to find our information. If you’ve ever stalked somebody and thought ‘you need to post more’ (which I know you’ve all secretly done) have you ever thought who thinks that about you? Who looks at your wall, who gets to your page and thinks ‘do I know this person? Are we friends? I thought we went to school together? Wasn’t he/she with he/she?’? Isn’t it a scary thought knowing that everything you share anywhere (I know I say this on a site that anyone can see) can be seen by millions of people without you even knowing. That definitely scares me and it makes me wonder why people overshare on Facebook?

Honestly I’ve been there I did that but I was 16/17 at the time, I didn’t understand that I wasn’t the focus of everyones attention (no matter how badly that sounds). But now at 22 there’s people out there telling me their whole life story. Facebook was never intended to be your diary, it was a way of keeping in touch. I’ll tell you now the people who want to keep in touch or even just stalk don’t really care if Mary down the road fought with me today, I told her she needed time to calm down, I went inside and cried because of all the things I’m dealing with today. Just wish someone was there for me ): If you want to talk to someone there’s always ways and you always know who you can talk to because they are the ones who always comment the same stuff, talk to them, don’t tell the world.

As my parents told me and I always think If you don’t want it on the cover of the newspaper don’t post it. 

 

Tumblr |Bloglovin’Instagram

Grandma

IMG_3636

Dear Grandma,

What a rough 10 years it’s been. I’m sorry that for the first 5 I stopped recognising it was your anniversary and you were gone, it was just tough. It still is tough, there’s never going to be a time where I’m ok with the way this turned out. I’m sad knowing you’re gone and you haven’t seen me grow to the person I am today. I really hope you’re proud of me and who I am. I hope you’re proud of the choices I make and what I do. I’m sad you can’t see where we all are and how we are all going. It’s hard when you were the closet person to me other than mum. I just miss you a lot and somedays I wish I could be 3 again so I could see you almost everyday instead of never seeing you at all. I still regret not seeing you the months, weeks and days before you passed but it hurt me to much to know you wouldn’t be here anymore. In my 12 year old head if I didn’t see you nothing was wrong and you’d be out in a jiffy. Even when I was told that wasn’t the case I still believed it would. To know you lived to 89 is incredible and I’m happy I got to share some of those years with you. But I still hurt knowing I didn’t get more.
I love you till the end of time and I’ve loved you from the start,
Jess