Family Day 7/365

I’ve always been someone who is a big family person. When I was younger we’d always do things as a family. Not only as an intimidate family but also an extended family. Obviously as you get older those occasions lesson, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t any less part of who I am. These events still happen, they are just few and far between. But they always mean the world to me.

But with dads sickness it’s really shown what family means, not only to me, but to the rest of my extended family. The amount of phone class mum gets on a regular basis is insane, she’s overwhelmed but appreciates everyones thoughts and concerns. I’ve never heard so much from my dads side before. It just shows how much we all care and all enjoy the company of one another.

Wedding Time

This past weekend my best friend got married. I was the Maid the Honour, so it was a pretty hectic week leading up to this day. The night before the big day the bride text me at 2:30am telling me she couldn’t sleep, which I immediately text back to and told her I wasn’t sleeping well either, so the both of us were our best that day (I was falling asleep on nice guy by about 7:30pm). But here are some pictures from the day/night, these are just some shitty iPhone quality just so you know.

 

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If you follow me on instagram you’ve already seen this beauty with nice guy.

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Stalkbook

Let me start off by saying I never EVER in my life have ever called Facebook ‘Stalkbook’ nor will I start calling it now. But I understand the point and reason why people do, because let’s be honest, there’s like 5 types of people on Facebook;

  1. The over sharer 
    You know these people they might be your family, friends or even worse the best friend. But they share their entire lives to the world through their little Facebook page, telling us every little detail of their life and thinking that all 300 friends they added when they were 17 still care.
  2. The ‘Facebook chat’ user
    (Not gonna lie, I’m this person) These people use Facebook solely for Facebook chat, why we’ll never know. But you all know one in the back of your head right now, that will never text back, but Facebook message them they freak out when they accidentally open your message and realise that little ‘seen 00:00’ is stamped.
  3. The ‘I only post when drunk’
    I know we’ve all been there once or twice when you think of some witty statement drunk and think that at that moment in time it would be the perfect time to share with your family and friends. Let me shoot straight, it never is funny nor do your family and friends need to know, we all know you’re drunk, let it go.
  4. The photo sharer
    All these people on my Facebook are my ‘older’ friends. Which if I’m honest am glad have not found instagram yet, but stop clogging my feed with crappy photos of your lunch, I really couldn’t care.
  5. The stalker
    The one who ends up on your boyfriends, ex girlfriends, ex boyfriends, best friends girlfriends, ex boyfriends page without realising 2 hours has past and you don’t actually know these people.

Honestly, I’ve been all these people once in my life, but who out of all of you reading has never ending up on someone’s Facebook by just stalking the crap out of them? It’s crazy to think that this is what our world is coming to. Instead of face-to-face conversation (which I honestly hate but that’s another topic) we look at Facebook to find our information. If you’ve ever stalked somebody and thought ‘you need to post more’ (which I know you’ve all secretly done) have you ever thought who thinks that about you? Who looks at your wall, who gets to your page and thinks ‘do I know this person? Are we friends? I thought we went to school together? Wasn’t he/she with he/she?’? Isn’t it a scary thought knowing that everything you share anywhere (I know I say this on a site that anyone can see) can be seen by millions of people without you even knowing. That definitely scares me and it makes me wonder why people overshare on Facebook?

Honestly I’ve been there I did that but I was 16/17 at the time, I didn’t understand that I wasn’t the focus of everyones attention (no matter how badly that sounds). But now at 22 there’s people out there telling me their whole life story. Facebook was never intended to be your diary, it was a way of keeping in touch. I’ll tell you now the people who want to keep in touch or even just stalk don’t really care if Mary down the road fought with me today, I told her she needed time to calm down, I went inside and cried because of all the things I’m dealing with today. Just wish someone was there for me ): If you want to talk to someone there’s always ways and you always know who you can talk to because they are the ones who always comment the same stuff, talk to them, don’t tell the world.

As my parents told me and I always think If you don’t want it on the cover of the newspaper don’t post it. 

 

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Grandma

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Dear Grandma,

What a rough 10 years it’s been. I’m sorry that for the first 5 I stopped recognising it was your anniversary and you were gone, it was just tough. It still is tough, there’s never going to be a time where I’m ok with the way this turned out. I’m sad knowing you’re gone and you haven’t seen me grow to the person I am today. I really hope you’re proud of me and who I am. I hope you’re proud of the choices I make and what I do. I’m sad you can’t see where we all are and how we are all going. It’s hard when you were the closet person to me other than mum. I just miss you a lot and somedays I wish I could be 3 again so I could see you almost everyday instead of never seeing you at all. I still regret not seeing you the months, weeks and days before you passed but it hurt me to much to know you wouldn’t be here anymore. In my 12 year old head if I didn’t see you nothing was wrong and you’d be out in a jiffy. Even when I was told that wasn’t the case I still believed it would. To know you lived to 89 is incredible and I’m happy I got to share some of those years with you. But I still hurt knowing I didn’t get more.
I love you till the end of time and I’ve loved you from the start,
Jess

Rambles;

If you haven’t noticed, I’ve changed the way I blog. Instead of thinking ‘o I should really sit down and write something that I do/I need to get this post out’ now I’m writing when I think of something. I have to say a lot of the time it is late night Friday/Saturday, but you know what my weeks are filled and I’m happy with what I’m doing. I feel like my outlook on my blog has changed over the past couple of months. I want this blog but I’m not going to post silly things that everyone else always posts. Ok I’m not ruling out ever doing a GRWM or a Haul or whatever but I feel like if I do me I’ll get stuff done and I’ll write in this space more.

I feel like I have so many things going through my head at once that I just don’t know how to deal with certain things. And when things just pop into your mind late at night you know, you know deep down that’s the problem you need to deal with first. I’ve found over the past 3 posts I’ve made that it helps. It won’t help forever but it helps me make some understanding of what I need and how to go about things.

There’s only so much you can say before you know it’s your life and it gets a little boring. But maybe being honest and putting feelings down makes others around you stop to think about how they see their life from their perspective. Over the past year I have to say I’ve sat and thought a lot about who I am as a person, who do I want to be and the only real answer I’ve found is I want to be strong. Strong as in able to deal with certain thoughts in a ‘normal’ way. Strong as in able to stand up for myself a little bit more. Strong to be independent and not rely on others to do things for me. These are things I need and should have already done for myself but being where I was only a year ago I see now why I didn’t. Now I’m in a place I can start to work on myself and what I need in my life instead of what everyone else needs. I’ve started to realise my feelings are more important than others and I need to put myself first.

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The thing about anxiety;

It’s funny that just like 2 minutes ago I was ok with writing this post. Then, as I come to write I’m shaking, my breathing gets hard and my mind switches off. I want to clarify now, I have never been diagnosed with anxiety, nor do I think I need people to feel sorry or am I comparing myself to anyone else.

Over the years there’s been many things that have led me to ‘sore stomachs’, the shakes, being too nervous to do something or even turning up for things 20 minutes early so I’m not late. Now as I’m older there’s the reality that I’m not just some crazy weirdo there’s actually an explanation for all this. Which now, just makes me feel a bit shitty to be honest. Like it stops me from doing things. I often lie to my parents about making phone calls (to GET jobs) because my anxiety has me riddled with fear that I can’t make or pick up the damn phone.

I also hate that it makes me feel sick half the time. I’ve been dealing with these sore stomachs my whole life and when I was little, we went to see doctors and whatever but obviously no one then knew what this actually meant. During this time I’ve learnt to cope with this situation but it still makes all new or different situations so confusing and awful. It makes me scared because in 2 weekends it is my best friends 21st and like I know people, won’t say I know many, but I know them but I still feel so sick about it and it’s in 2 weeks time. Don’t get me started on how I will be on the day/night of the party because my parents won’t even be here either. Like I will be freaking out and she’s my best friend.

So many things set me off and it makes things hard for life. It’s not even just a little bit, it’s a lot of my life which is the hardest thing.

I guess I’m just saying don’t always judge someone who thinks things are hard because you never know what could happen or what’s going through their head.

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