Another one bites the dust;

As another one of my brilliant ideas leaves, I think I need to take a moment. Step back and remember that my health comes first. In this instance, it’s not my physical health, it’s my mental health.

This week has been hard. I mean everyday for the past 3 weeks has been hard. But this Saturday afternoon, I broke, I’m hurt and I don’t know where my head is at in the ‘grieving’ phase. I’m still hurt here on Tuesday night, very much hurt.

I’m not ready for my life without him, I’m not ready for thinking about my life without him and I know I have to.

I hate thinking that life without him is my life now, I’m not ok. Life’s not ok.

Here are some pictures that make me happy but sad obviously.

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Long Distance

In one word I can sum up long distance relationships, hard. No matter whether you’re multiple countries away or a few hours away, it’s always going to be hard.

For me, the hardest part of the long distance relationship is the distance. Once you get so attached to someone being away from them is hard. You know in your heart and in your mind that this is exactly what needs to happen so that he can earn money and finish his apprenticeship but that doesn’t mean my anxiety doesn’t hate it. Maybe that’s the hardest thing, my anxiety. That little voice.

Nice Guy and I communicate everyday, pretty much all day. Like yeah if he’s busy at work I won’t get a message but usually our communication is good. We’re also very lucky with only being 2 hours away from each other. So seeing each other isn’t a problem we see each other every 5-15 days. There’s hardly a time where we go a month or more without seeing each other. Which I am forever grateful for.

But just because we see each other so often doesn’t mean we don’t have our problems. Just recently, our communication became a problem. I started to shut down, mainly due to my dad and thinking about how all of this could be our lasts and thinking about my grandma in all of this. My work was also stressing me out. So my usually small fuse for petty problems became even smaller. Nice Guy is also stressing about a surgery he’s having sometime soon, so his usually very big fuse became small. So we were snapping at each other (and I think this also comes with the length of time we’ve been together). He came in a week later, as he wanted to see me, we had a discussion and we’re fine. But to think if we were any other length of time away, I would have had to sit on that for forever, my heart wouldn’t have handled it. My life wouldn’t have handled it.

I don’t really have any tips or tricks to make long distance any easier because it’s hard. You’re always going to have problems that people aren’t going to understand because their partner is literally right there when they need them. They don’t have to cry down a phone about how terrible your day was or how bad your dad is doing on the cancer front. They don’t have to send a goodnight text every night to know the other is going to sleep, they get to give them a kiss every night. That gets me. That line cut me. Nice Guy came in for 4 days this week, just yesterday he left and I had to go to sleep on my own and it felt odd. I’m rambling.

As cliche as it is, every relationship is different and every relationship has different dynamics on how it works. Nice Guy and I wouldn’t work with having to call each other everyday, 1. because of my anxiety and 2. our work schedules are pretty terrible. But we know that if we ever had anything important to say we would call each other in no time.

You need to figure out what works for you and your relationship. Maybe phone calls is what you and your partner enjoy because you get to hear their voice. Maybe you need to book your next visit when you’re together so you start counting down to the next time as soon as you leave because that makes your heart hurt a little less.

It’s all up to you and your heart and what you need. But I would say, communication is key. If you have no communication you have no platform to hold your relationship together over the long run and you are further away than you could ever imagine, even if it is only an hour.

The thing about anxiety;

It’s funny that just like 2 minutes ago I was ok with writing this post. Then, as I come to write I’m shaking, my breathing gets hard and my mind switches off. I want to clarify now, I have never been diagnosed with anxiety, nor do I think I need people to feel sorry or am I comparing myself to anyone else.

Over the years there’s been many things that have led me to ‘sore stomachs’, the shakes, being too nervous to do something or even turning up for things 20 minutes early so I’m not late. Now as I’m older there’s the reality that I’m not just some crazy weirdo there’s actually an explanation for all this. Which now, just makes me feel a bit shitty to be honest. Like it stops me from doing things. I often lie to my parents about making phone calls (to GET jobs) because my anxiety has me riddled with fear that I can’t make or pick up the damn phone.

I also hate that it makes me feel sick half the time. I’ve been dealing with these sore stomachs my whole life and when I was little, we went to see doctors and whatever but obviously no one then knew what this actually meant. During this time I’ve learnt to cope with this situation but it still makes all new or different situations so confusing and awful. It makes me scared because in 2 weekends it is my best friends 21st and like I know people, won’t say I know many, but I know them but I still feel so sick about it and it’s in 2 weeks time. Don’t get me started on how I will be on the day/night of the party because my parents won’t even be here either. Like I will be freaking out and she’s my best friend.

So many things set me off and it makes things hard for life. It’s not even just a little bit, it’s a lot of my life which is the hardest thing.

I guess I’m just saying don’t always judge someone who thinks things are hard because you never know what could happen or what’s going through their head.

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A big life change;

Why hello there internet.

Over the past month there has been so much happening in my life. I know I updated with you that I was moving, but a whole lot of stuff happened in between and I thought it would be better to make a big ol’ post about it rather than just the little update I gave you three weeks ago.

The Move;

I got the opportunity to move for a job (yes, I finally achieved a job) and it was super scary. I’ve just started to settle in and this is the first weekend that I have been alone for most of the weekend, my brother and sister-in-law and niece are on their way because of the cyclone situation, which to be honest has been super scary for me and it’s not just the alone factor (I will get back to the alone factor later). When I first got to my new town, I didn’t have anywhere to live, which when I started on Tuesday, was a very scary factor for me. The living in my mum’s cousins house, getting taken to work by my mum and just relying on others continued for the first two weeks. However, the first weekend of my job I got approved for a little unit in a nice quiet street. I know I continue to say that I will post pictures and I haven’t, BUT I am getting there. It’s been scary and awful and wonderful all at once and I’m starting to get used to it, but I just think I need a little more time to totally adjust myself.

The Job; 

I always thought I’d jump into my dream job and it would be wonderful. Turns out I was completely wrong and I over estimated everything. After a month, I still feel as if I’m not doing well and everything is falling to pieces. I also feel like there’s no one in my corner backing me (again will get back to this). I have to say I love what I do, I just did not prepare myself for all that came with it I guess, there’s things I think I’m doing well and people are like yeah no. Which freaks me out and having no confidence in yourself in the profession I’m in really hurts you. I guess that also comes with the next thing;

The Lonely Factor;

This was a massive shock to me (and still is), but three days before I (we) were supposed to move, M came to me and said that he would like to ‘take a break’. Not only did I know that taking a break in his words was breaking up it also meant after 5 years I’d be completely lonely. It’s been a month and I’m still trying to deal and that’s all I want to say about it.

But not only am I in a new town, I know limited people. I’m trying but being a hermet and not being good at social skills I’m struggling. Leaving your comfort zone is scary and I do not recommend. Being so far away from home and all my (old) life it’s hard and I’m still trying to understand and cope with a lot of things.

Happy Times

I’m not going to sit here and tell you how awful everything is because it’s not. In the past week I have become an aunty to the most beautiful little girl in the whole world and I wouldn’t trade that for anything. I’ve always been able to contact and speak (cry) to my mum or dad whenever I’ve needed (except this weekend, but it’s totally understandable why) and I think I’ve grown a lot closer to my mother. We were always so close but by moving and having to do it alone my mum has been a miracle worker and has loved me unconditionally and always let me cry and cry if I need to.

 

I’m hoping to get back to a regular upload schedule once I get into this job (so please give it time).

Stay safe,

Jess