In my time I’ve had a very limited amount of friends. At each stage of my life I could count the amount of friends I’ve had on one hand. I’m not complaining about that. I have always said (thanks to my mother) quality over quantity. The only downside of this is at the moment the 3 people who I’m closet too are not anywhere near me.
At the beginning of the year my best friend moved. She’s been home a lot but with conflicting schedules I haven’t been able to see her and let’s be honest, with the amount of stress and hurt I’ve had this year it’s been tough.
But today I got to spend the day with her. It was nice and I’d love to do it more often than we do.
There’s this stigma around children and resilience, that because they’re little they have no idea with the thought of resilience. Today I watched as one of my students, said goodbye to her mother (she’s leaving to go to hospital). Her tears in everything she did and said in that 15 mins were valid, but as soon as her 15 mins were over she came back. I told her to take time because I know it’s hard and she went straight back into work, wiped her eyes and that was it.
Yes, they may have days were they throw tantrums because they didn’t get the colour they want. But they have dealt with a lot of other things too and can deal with them without a worry.
A day where I can keep anxiety at bay is always a good day. I feel like days where I’m aware and the routine is the same I’m ok. Whereas, if a routine is changed or a visitor comes, my day is always off, probably because of my anxiety towards meeting people. But today, it was a good day. My day started as a normal Tuesday would with Digital Technologies building robots with the upper class. They all did so well with the limited use of technology due to the school internet and our iPads playing up, although I think they were mostly just glad they got to build the robots rather than just program a 2D character. My other Uppers though I can’t say did so well. You set them a task and they think it’s a free for all. I am so glad there is another set of hands and a head in that room or else I would be driven mental. My love for my TA is ridiculous and I don’t think she knows just how much I think she’s awesome.
I still need to learn to go places myself. I went to mum and dads (as usual) and mum fixed up my AWFUL finger nails, but somehow I’ve scrapped them somewhere. So now they just look horrible again.
Tomorrow is a new day and we’ll just have to wait and see what happens.
Recently, I’ve been spending a lot more time ‘offline’. The word offline is in those for a reason. I say offline, but really I’m not offline.
Let’s start by just 2 months ago, I’d come home and the first thing I would find (after food) was my laptop. I’d pull it up, open Tumblr, Facebook, Instagram and YouTube and sit on it for hours until, I either needed to wash my hair or have dinner. It was unhealthy and lethargic on my part, but everyday without fail there I’d sit thinking about how shitty I felt by sitting there doing it to myself.
Fast forward a month, nice guy came in for a visit (I say visit, we’re pretty much living together now, more on that at a later time) and bought his Apple TV. At this stage he was here and his friend was in as there was some Pro Golf tournament on nearby, but I find when nice guy is here I don’t spend as much time ‘online’ as I would usually, which really helps to start with. But when they left I found, I didn’t search for my laptop, I would turn the TV on and find something to watch on Netflix. Now here’s where you’re probably going ‘ahhh I see why you’re saying ‘offline” and that’s exactly it. I come home and turn Netflix on (currently obsessing over Gilmore Girls), but I don’t just sit and watch anymore.
With Netflix being on the TV you can do so much more with the time you have. Not only can you fold washing because your laptop isn’t in the way, you can go and clean the kitchen or the dinner table or put things in the bin without having to cart your laptop everywhere because you’re trying to keep up with whatever Zoella did with her day that day.
I’m finding also with the option to watch it on the TV I’m spending more time doing work at work than wanting to come home. Maybe I’m growing up or maybe I’ve started to realise that not everything needs to happen or be seen at that moment in time.
I feel like this is just the start of my offline adventure.
Talk to you soon,
What does anyone mean by the statement, you’ve changed. Everyone changes all the time. No one can sit there and say just in January you were the same person as you are now. Because there has been moments in the year where things haven’t been right and things haven’t gone the way you thought they would have.
I’m always scared of losing people, I’m always scared of someone turning around and saying those two words to me. But I don’t know why I’m always so scared of that. I know that I’ve changed but that doesn’t mean my anxiety doesn’t stop existing because in my mind I know these things. Maybe it’s that one of the worst fears I have is dying and no one knowing because I’ve pushed everyone so far away.
But my mind still asks ‘how is this a bad thing?’ is it not better to change than to always stay the same. If I stayed the same, I’d be someone who got walked all over (I still do but I know how to stand up for myself when needed). If I stayed the same, I’d be friends with people who didn’t care about me in anyway. If I stayed the same, I wouldn’t be dating the person I’m dating, and I’d still be living at home.
I know which one I’d rather, but why is it still such a bad thing to be changing?