Dullness

It’s been a while since I’ve seen what it’s like on the lighter side of depression. It’s been a while since I saw the light in my anxiety. I’ve had a year and I don’t think it’s going to get much better in the next year. But what I can say is I’m proud of the person I’m becoming.

I’m starting to see the light and feel happier about myself, especially after the situation recently. I’ve had a huge confidence hit and when you’re confidence is already low, there’s not much left.

I’m giving myself time and making myself take time. I have to realise myself that I’m still young and have time to live my life. I need to make a change in my life, where I start to take myself first, but in that I need to get my head straight.

Hopefully in the next year or two, with the help of friends and family I’ll start to feel a bit better. To know I’m seeing some light is nice though. I just hope it continues this way.

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Friendship

I like my friends. I understand that this is a weird way to start a blog. But I do.

Over the last year I have needed a lot of support from people and the friends I have, have been fabulous. I know that people would be like “yes, but that’s what friends are for” and I agree, but not all friends are going to support you the way mine have.

I’ve always known that my friends are good and kind and are always around when I need them. I’m the type of person who needs their friends but does not need to see or talk to them everyday (I guess that’s part of me being an introvert). But I know that if I need them, they’re there. As much as I bottle up my emotions, when I need to vent or have a cry or just want to distract myself, I know they’ll be there to listen to me. No matter how many times I’ve cried over it, no matter how many times I’ve bought it up.

I also know which friends are better for which mood I’m in. I’m not saying that my friends are bad in anyway, but I’m sure you know what it’s like. Some are better when you really want to have a whinge and make drama for yourself, some are better to tell and then take your mind off things and some are better just to feel better about yourself. Thankfully, I have people for all of those options. I’m also happy that I have friends that can be all those things when I need them to be.

This year I have been one of the worst friends out. I’m the friend that has been needed to have the support and friends and love and support.

All I want to say is how thankful I am to have the friends I do. Without them, this year would have been even harder than it already have been.

Grieve

The thing about grieve is that you never know when it hits nor do you know what part of grieve you will receive. I’m having a hard time with this process because not only am I having to grieve someone who loved me so much, I’m now grieving for someone who didn’t love me at all. Which is hitting me in the self confidence the most.

I know I’ve been posting a lot about how sad I am and how awful my life is, but this is my life at the moment.

I’m finding it hard and I guess I’m finding it more difficult because of the situation and not being able to erase him from my memory. This is because he was there for such a critical moment in my life. Which is the worst thing I think could happen.

This year is hard. I also think it’s worse because I’m going through 2 things you never expect to go through in your life. Especially at the same time.

I’m going day by day but it’s also just hard when you go through the sad periods. For me, I don’t want the sad moments, for a certain person and I hate that I’m sad. But the worst thing is I know I’m still fully in love with him unfortunately. I guess it gets better each day, but it doesn’t feel like it.

I am also seeing someone about this, in case you think I’m just blowing off steam here all the time.

Meditation

At the start of the year I was diagnosed with “situational” depression and anxiety (not situational). I’ve been currently seeing a physiologist thanks to all the things I’ve been going through this year. But I have also started meditating, mum got me onto this. She started using an app called calm in about April this year and she’d told me try it, as my anxiety around many situations had gotten worse. I started with that app but found that the lady who was telling the calm stories was too harsh and frustrating for me. It took me a few months to try again, as I was like I’m fine, but once I moved back to mums I knew I had to do something about both the depression and anxiety brewing in my head. I tried to others and found they just weren’t working for me (so now, because you have to sign up for everything, my inbox is blasted with emails I do not want) and finally came upon Headspace. 

This was part of my What’s on my iPhone last week. But I thought I would go into a bit of detail about this app as I have found it so helpful, especially with my anxiety. When you first get this app it comes with a 10 session basics pack which you don’t have to pay for. However, if you want to continue to use this app you will have to pay.

When you open the app you get this page – as you can see my last pack I used was the Depression pack (which is what it was last week, I’m currently using the anxiety pack). It’s helpful to have this at the very top as you know exactly where you left off and how many days of the pack you’ve done/have to go.

As you scroll down the home page this is what greets you. As you can see I have multiple packs. I’m currently doing 10 days of the Depression pack followed by 10 days of the Anxiety pack. I did start with doing one day Depression next day Anxiety but I thought it would be better to continue the packs individually but cross over at certain points. I’m hoping to begin some of my other ones in the next month or so.

If I’m honest I use this meditation just before I go to sleep. I press the play button lie down and listen to the meditation. You can choose how long you would like the meditation to go for. I’m currently meditating for 10 mins. At the beginning and end of each session the man (who’s voice is helping you meditate) gives you strategies to use throughout the day and how to enhance your meditation experience. I’ve found this helpful with being aware that you don’t have to stop your thinking throughout meditation, you just don’t let it distract you from your breathing.

What I’ve also enjoyed is that when they begin a new meditation strategy, they start with a very cute animation that gives you some sort of understanding of the strategy you’re going to start using. These really help me understand what is required during these sessions.

I also enjoy all of the different things it allows you to do with your meditation and how it helps you achieve meditating everyday. For me, I’ve found it easy to fit it into my routine, as I’ve decided I’m going to do it before bed. However, you need to find the best way for you. You also need to think, is this what I want to do and is this for me? Because I know when mum first began to push me  to give it a go, I wasn’t having a bar and didn’t believe it could help me.

I hope this helps in some way!

Jess x

 

*This is all my personal opinion.

4 things they don’t tell you

I understand grief is different for everyone. I really do. But you’d think people would tell you all of these things.

  1. You’ll never be ready to let go.
    My dad had cancer, a pretty bad cancer. If I’m honest, it wasn’t long between diagnosis and death. I was obviously not ready and I was never going to be ready, because he’s my dad. But I know now, that no matter how long I had with my dad before his death I still wouldn’t be ready for him to leave.
  2. You’ll feel bad, but not on specific days.
    It’s funny how people are like “it’s ok to feel bad/sad” but to know that it’ll just randomly come along is the hardest part. Especially in a job where you can’t get away, you can’t just walk away when things get tough. In a workplace where most of them have no relationship with their dad, they have no idea. It’s hard and you’ll just break down
  3. The littlest things will break you.
    You’d think it’s those big moments, those special moments you had. But the things you’ll miss the most are the little things. The going and seeing them and just having a hug at the end of a very bad day. Talking about the stupidest thing and laughing at the little thing.
  4. You’ll feel empty.
    This is the biggest thing. You feel empty, where do you go, what do you do? When you’re so close to someone how can you ever feel full again. You’ll have days where you just feel like shit.

 

Family Day 7/365

I’ve always been someone who is a big family person. When I was younger we’d always do things as a family. Not only as an intimidate family but also an extended family. Obviously as you get older those occasions lesson, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t any less part of who I am. These events still happen, they are just few and far between. But they always mean the world to me.

But with dads sickness it’s really shown what family means, not only to me, but to the rest of my extended family. The amount of phone class mum gets on a regular basis is insane, she’s overwhelmed but appreciates everyones thoughts and concerns. I’ve never heard so much from my dads side before. It just shows how much we all care and all enjoy the company of one another.

Friends Day 6/365

In my time I’ve had a very limited amount of friends. At each stage of my life I could count the amount of friends I’ve had on one hand. I’m not complaining about that. I have always said (thanks to my mother) quality over quantity. The only downside of this is at the moment the 3 people who I’m closet too are not anywhere near me.

At the beginning of the year my best friend moved. She’s been home a lot but with conflicting schedules I haven’t been able to see her and let’s be honest, with the amount of stress and hurt I’ve had this year it’s been tough.

But today I got to spend the day with her. It was nice and I’d love to do it more often than we do.