I understand grief is different for everyone. I really do. But you’d think people would tell you all of these things.
- You’ll never be ready to let go.
My dad had cancer, a pretty bad cancer. If I’m honest, it wasn’t long between diagnosis and death. I was obviously not ready and I was never going to be ready, because he’s my dad. But I know now, that no matter how long I had with my dad before his death I still wouldn’t be ready for him to leave.
- You’ll feel bad, but not on specific days.
It’s funny how people are like “it’s ok to feel bad/sad” but to know that it’ll just randomly come along is the hardest part. Especially in a job where you can’t get away, you can’t just walk away when things get tough. In a workplace where most of them have no relationship with their dad, they have no idea. It’s hard and you’ll just break down
- The littlest things will break you.
You’d think it’s those big moments, those special moments you had. But the things you’ll miss the most are the little things. The going and seeing them and just having a hug at the end of a very bad day. Talking about the stupidest thing and laughing at the little thing.
- You’ll feel empty.
This is the biggest thing. You feel empty, where do you go, what do you do? When you’re so close to someone how can you ever feel full again. You’ll have days where you just feel like shit.
I’ve always been someone who is a big family person. When I was younger we’d always do things as a family. Not only as an intimidate family but also an extended family. Obviously as you get older those occasions lesson, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t any less part of who I am. These events still happen, they are just few and far between. But they always mean the world to me.
But with dads sickness it’s really shown what family means, not only to me, but to the rest of my extended family. The amount of phone class mum gets on a regular basis is insane, she’s overwhelmed but appreciates everyones thoughts and concerns. I’ve never heard so much from my dads side before. It just shows how much we all care and all enjoy the company of one another.
In my time I’ve had a very limited amount of friends. At each stage of my life I could count the amount of friends I’ve had on one hand. I’m not complaining about that. I have always said (thanks to my mother) quality over quantity. The only downside of this is at the moment the 3 people who I’m closet too are not anywhere near me.
At the beginning of the year my best friend moved. She’s been home a lot but with conflicting schedules I haven’t been able to see her and let’s be honest, with the amount of stress and hurt I’ve had this year it’s been tough.
But today I got to spend the day with her. It was nice and I’d love to do it more often than we do.
It’s been a blurry day. My dads in hospital, it’s not looking good. I said goodbye to Nice Guy for 7 days. I had an appointment. Dad had its of fluid come out of him.
I’ve sheltered myself. I’ve shut myself down. I’ve let it all get too much.
I’m working on this. This is a thing I need to work on.
I find that days were Nice Guy is ‘home’ I find coming home at 3/4 a nice feeling. On days that Nice Guy isn’t here, I feel like home isn’t home and home is still at mum and dads. Some days I feel weird mentioning that but my house doesn’t feel like home without someone around. Maybe it’s that I get more done when Nice Guy is here, I get to spend time talking to him in the morning and talk about my day. I spend A LOT more time offline with him here.
My heart is full when he’s here. My anxiety settles and my thoughts settle too. Nice Guy definitely is my settler. Thats what makes me coming home on days he’s ‘home’ easier and it feels like my home. He’s my calm. All of his annoyingness, all of his frustrations, all of his weirdness, he’s my calm.
I don’t think I’ve ever felt the homing feeling with anyone before. Maybe that’s why my anxiety heightened when I found out the information on Monday (it involved him and he wasn’t here). I also have never admitted that to myself and I think it’s something I needed to do.
There’s this stigma around children and resilience, that because they’re little they have no idea with the thought of resilience. Today I watched as one of my students, said goodbye to her mother (she’s leaving to go to hospital). Her tears in everything she did and said in that 15 mins were valid, but as soon as her 15 mins were over she came back. I told her to take time because I know it’s hard and she went straight back into work, wiped her eyes and that was it.
Yes, they may have days were they throw tantrums because they didn’t get the colour they want. But they have dealt with a lot of other things too and can deal with them without a worry.
A day where I can keep anxiety at bay is always a good day. I feel like days where I’m aware and the routine is the same I’m ok. Whereas, if a routine is changed or a visitor comes, my day is always off, probably because of my anxiety towards meeting people. But today, it was a good day. My day started as a normal Tuesday would with Digital Technologies building robots with the upper class. They all did so well with the limited use of technology due to the school internet and our iPads playing up, although I think they were mostly just glad they got to build the robots rather than just program a 2D character. My other Uppers though I can’t say did so well. You set them a task and they think it’s a free for all. I am so glad there is another set of hands and a head in that room or else I would be driven mental. My love for my TA is ridiculous and I don’t think she knows just how much I think she’s awesome.
I still need to learn to go places myself. I went to mum and dads (as usual) and mum fixed up my AWFUL finger nails, but somehow I’ve scrapped them somewhere. So now they just look horrible again.
Tomorrow is a new day and we’ll just have to wait and see what happens.